@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

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@aparnapkin

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

@sock_holliday

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

@MitchBenn

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

@OtherDanOBrien

THERAPIST: Anywaysโ€”

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

@ewfeez

The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole

@girlontapas

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

@PFTompkins

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

@MooseAllain

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”