if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
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“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”