I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Jogging
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Still a very good boi….
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”