I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I love you…
…r dog.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate