I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
absolutely not
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
oh my god
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one