@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@ch000ch

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

@brentalfloss

1942: How can we beat the Nazis?
1968: How can we go to the moon?
2006: How can a phone be a supercomputer?
2016: How can we beat the Nazis?

@UncleDuke1969

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

@KevinFarzad

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

@carlyken

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

@dog_feelings

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day