Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.
I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
me: *crying* I think I have lost my perception of time
doctor: when did it start?
me: [reaching for tissue] 6000 years ago
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
66% of being a woman is just hiding the remote when you’re mad
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
why isn’t he texting back
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good