I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

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I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.


“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”


I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place


Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them


Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’


Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.


MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said


Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?


It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.