I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

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Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.


under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”


me: *crying* I think I have lost my perception of time
doctor: when did it start?
me: [reaching for tissue] 6000 years ago


me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?


I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.


Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper


Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy


me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good