I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.


*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright


If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.


For Valentine’s Day my GF upped my life insurance policy.

Unrelated, anyone know why there’s a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?


*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.


It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
It’s a place where we make fire.
Diving in the sky.

Humans are creative.


dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?