I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.