@ThisLocalHater

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

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@AndyAsAdjective

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

@OakHill_

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

@sharpular

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

@Bob_Heller

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.

@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@KevinFarzad

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

@AOC

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that: