I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.


Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?



I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.


Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid


You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.


Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.


-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge


Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.


Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that: