I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Every house has this drawer
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
eggs benadryl
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
oh my god
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.