I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I’m already scared
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.