@JerpsBerps

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

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@nuttywhippet

Places in Japan nowadays have banned some of the traditional Martial Arts,

They have adopted a strictly no Kendo attitude

@CroweJam

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

@Darlainky

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

@ChiefTwittler

I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@KeetPotato

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

@HatfieldAnne

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8