My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
You Might Also Like
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.
Me: Another nightmare?
M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story