I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.


‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French


My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.


My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.


Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool


Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend


Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?


God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!


If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.


I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.