Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@MomOfTeen

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

@JustDontBugMe

Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.

@squirrel74wkgn

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

@AmericanGent69

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

@Skoog

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

@RexChapman

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

@TitansHomer

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story