@CantWaitToNap
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
@JerpsBerps
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
You Might Also Like
@CantWaitToNap
@stockejock
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
@2tickytacky
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
@HousewifeOfHell
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
@CrockettForReal
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
@dumbbeezie
Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend
@Daisyldoo
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
@kyle_thatisall
If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
@Adar79Angie
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.