I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir