@JerpsBerps

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

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@CantWaitToNap

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@stockejock

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

@2tickytacky

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@CrockettForReal

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

@Daisyldoo

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

@Adar79Angie

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.