I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
You Might Also Like
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
english majors be like furthermore
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies