ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Oh, you don’t like my Lego jokes?
HAHA, get it?!
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.