When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
You Might Also Like
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
best first i’ve ever seen
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Meeeee too!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The devil.