I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Fries, not lies.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
no such thing as a dumb question
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
This is me
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.