*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I am man. Hear me ask my wife for permission to roar.
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.
Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.