@MyHairyLife

I am man. Hear me ask my wife for permission to roar.

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@TheAlexNevil

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

@mattZillaaaa

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

@FilthyRichmond

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

@TheGoodGodAbove

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@JennyPentland

I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.