Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
HR said no more nunchucks.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Please do it!
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)