Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
A face that lunched a thousand chips.