*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
4:*calls thing wrong name
4:*repeats wrong name
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly
Octopus – 8 arms
Octagon – 8 sides
Octuplets – 8 babies
October – 8th month
I’m burning this world down
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”
That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”