@MyTweetLilLife

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

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@Rollmaninoz

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

@Br00klyn_BeAr

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

@Mikecanrant

“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.

@Pabloayodeji

Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@crystaltitties

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

@Baldylockzzz

Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk

Be prepared to cry

@_4kidscrazy

Me: let’s try to catch snowflakes on our tongues!
Wife: but we’re inside.?.
Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@TheBoydP

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting