Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk
Be prepared to cry
Me: let’s try to catch snowflakes on our tongues!
Wife: but we’re inside.?.
Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Seven Worst Crimes:
6. Over cooking a steak
3. Buying cheap tequila
1. Inspirational tweeting