I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills


What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?


Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.


Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.


People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.


Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.


Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.


Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?


Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.