I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer


Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?


“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.


Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂


My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.


Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk

Be prepared to cry


Me: let’s try to catch snowflakes on our tongues!
Wife: but we’re inside.?.
Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.


wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*


Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting