@MyTweetLilLife

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

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@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@TheToddWilliams

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

@InternetHippo

Murderer: I want to kill you
Me: No I’m against that
Politician who’s above partisan rancor: This is stressing me out, could you guys put your differences aside and come together…for our country,

@wtfoq

I loved traveling by trains until one day there was a robbery. Since then, I have been hiding from the law.

@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

@rolldiggity

Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big country fan

ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large

@ojedge

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

@WilliamAder

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run