@MyTweetLilLife

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

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@House_Feminist

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

@KatieMoNYC

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

@LuvPug

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

@SteveHuff

People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

@kwirkyKerri

Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?

@BadAssB48546279

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.