@girl_a_whirl

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

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@SamGrittner

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

@TheHatStore

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@OrangeFact

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

@HatfieldAnne

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@brittwastaken

If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?

@parsfarce

[some dude doesn’t like me]

who gives a shit

[a cat doesn’t like me]

why

@jonnysun

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

@RatBatallion

My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .