Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year