On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍
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“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”