@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍

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@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@iGreenMonk

“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”

#WhereEnglishFails

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@notalogin

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

@ZombieProblms

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@mrtruthandsoul

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

@AceMakesWords

“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”