@TheTweetOfGod
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
@AdamZHerman
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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@TheTweetOfGod
@rodeoman
anyone else like Italian cereal
@ohen39
friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
@JB4Realz
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
@TheAndrewNadeau
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
@Thee_Mikey_B
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
@Nikkeya08
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
@nerdonfire1
Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral
@EndhooS
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
@StarWarsProblms
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.