I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die