My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Never ghost your hitman.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Oh no
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet