I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing