I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.
So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”
“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich