@wildethingy

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

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@notalogin

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@smithsara79

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@kellyoxford

7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”

@outsmartedmommy

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@JimGaffigan

“Hey you know how everyone’s favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let’s add an extra slice of bread?” – Inventor of club sandwich