I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??