Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs