@bombsydoll

“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

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@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@KingRainhead

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

@elunatyk

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad