“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”


*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*


[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*


I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.


I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away


Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.


Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.


I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad