Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
i will not be silenced
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON