One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Home #decor warning.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
the battle rages on
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen