@TheTweetOfGod

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

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@david8hughes

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

@UtahMomsLife

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

@crylenol

Commercial for Twitter dot com:

*man yells nonsense out his window*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

@TheIntComShow

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

@squirrel74wkgn

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

@HenpeckedHal

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@Lisabug74

My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.

@CherBear162

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

@ktmcburr

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.