It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
You Might Also Like
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Drop 👏 that 👏 skincare 👏 routine 👏
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”
*holds up imaginary walky-talky*
Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”