@TheTweetOfGod

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

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@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.

@kirkfox

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

@samalmightysam

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

@IRLPepperMD

“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*

“Chhh-over.”

@NotJPo

Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.

@fro_vo

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

@BlindChow

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”