I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Happy Halloween 🎃
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*