I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
inside you are two wolves
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend