Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?
Me: no, who?
Son: Reese something
Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha
Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ
Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.
That’s how that works, right?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!
Very funny Mom!
My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*