I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

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My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.


[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Me: I regret nothing


Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

Me: no, who?

Son: Reese something

Me: Witherspoon??

Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha

Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ


Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.

That’s how that works, right?


[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?


Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!


My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.


[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*