I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.