I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
You Might Also Like
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.