I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs


I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger


Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.


[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H


Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.


I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.


Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh


Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward