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@fatherofcomedy: I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
@Multitudes8: M: I rear-ended some girl today
W: Oh how much damage to her car
@Sickayduh: [Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That's Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
@pizzaguyjay: How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?
@TrueTorontoGirl: People who say "the future is now" don't understand how time works.
@PleaseBeGneiss: ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight