I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Sometimes 4chan can be a beautiful place.
Judge: your word is cartograph
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward