@fatherofcomedy

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

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@SoulYodeler

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@gianni_bcn

What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a….

*Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*

@nerdreign

Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.

@Maxine12333

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

@BossyBritches72

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

@Lakeoconeebldr

This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.