I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.