I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.

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-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.


Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?


Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair


Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”


Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips


Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh

Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*


I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.


My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.


If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey


20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.