I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.

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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.


By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start


If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.


I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”


ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.


[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!


Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.