A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.