I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You Might Also Like
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I can also cook 😂
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh