@roxiqt

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

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@heyitsJudeD

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

@johnbiehl

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@TweetsByKaylee

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.