I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting


Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.


Why periods? Why can’t mother nature just tweet me and be like “Waddup girl. You ain’t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month”


I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow


If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.


My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.


Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours


[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes


Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer