I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?