I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking