I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress