@amandajpanda

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

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@zbinski

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die ūüėČ

@WhrTheBrainRots

If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@awkwardphilippe

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids