I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
You Might Also Like
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.