A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.