@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

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@jjax44

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@ArfMeasures

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

@truegritrumble

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

@PhriendlyCody

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@thegreatnanak

I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.

@TheDjinnTrials

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.