@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

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@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@AbbyHasIssues

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

@asimplesean

Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@jakob_huber

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

@BastardProphet

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

@spaceboyriley

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

@SaltyCorpse

My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.

At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.

@knot_eye

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.