@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

- @JoParkerBear

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@LeonEarlgrey

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

@JillianKarger

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

@clichedout

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

@TheAndrewNadeau

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@Darlainky

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.