I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.