i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE