I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

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Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*


Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie


me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
me: “Gap”


I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.


“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.


My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.


Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports


I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.


2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year