I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-