@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

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@DaddyJew

Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@sarcasm_inc

*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
oh ok

@GrantTanaka

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

@HallowedCrow

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.