Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?
Me: stop counting
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.