I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce