@MrGirlDad

I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.

You Might Also Like

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

@BadaBinge

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

@Donnie_Fairburn

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

@3sunzzz

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”