I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.

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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.


How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.


If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.


Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.


Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised


That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself


him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news


The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.


[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”