Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
You Might Also Like
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
she would like to bark at the manager, please.