[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
You Might Also Like
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?