@shatterpants: I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
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@hangin_out: During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
@ChrisHallbeck: Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?” *flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand* Me: “Stuff.”
@MartaEffing: I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.